5 Things that I cannot abide

1) Guys in short robes: You know, the terry-cloth ones that hit mid thigh? I was once dating a fabulous man--wonderful in every way. He was funny, smart, interesting, not bad looking, shared many of my interests and loved to travel. We hit it off and I heard wedding bells in my future. Then I saw him wearing a short robe. And it was never the same after that. It was like feeling my ovaries dry up in less than sixty seconds.

2)Ass-crack revealing jeans: Do I even need to explain this one? Have you ever looked at a girl in ass-crack-revealing jeans and said to yourself, "Wow, she looks like a class act!" No? Didn't think so.


3)Cheesy music: Any song by Jefferson Starship or the Eagles makes me want to thrust sharp objects directly into my eardrums. Also, I really, really hate the songs "What a Wonderful World" (Yes, even the Louis version) and "Unchained Melody." I know, people love those songs. A lot of people also like Celine Dion, so a lot of people don't always display great taste.


4)Yippee moms: Take a hippy, give her a whole lot of money, a bearded Jesus-look-alike husband and a doula and watch her spend the rest of her miserable life attempting to make other mothers feel like shit for not breast-feeding until their kids are 5. She always sounds so peaceful, like she just had the most transcendental spiritual experience, and that makes you feel like a frantic unhinged, selfish, superficial, consumeristic moron when you're around her. My advice--skip the date you have with her to drink organic chai tea and discuss diaper-free parenting, and go get a greasy burger and a stiff drink with someone whose company you actually enjoy.


5)Friends who aspire to be Pablo Neruda: People who write really bad emotional poetry and then beg their friends to read it. This is not right. It is just not right.