What I did on my summer vacation.

"We have to be out of here by noon, we have to be out of here by noon, we have to be out of here by noon," is all that Crazy Polish Kate says to me for the two days leading up to our little road trip. So, I pack the night before. One bag. Cosmetic-y stuff, a bikini, underwear for three days, a dress, a skirt, some jeans, shoes, condoms, 3 t-shirts and a sweater in case it gets cold.

She calls me at 5:00 pm the night before we're supposed to leave.

"Are you packed yet?!"

"Yeah, I packed about an hour ago," I tell her.

"Ok, because we have to be out of here by noon," she says for the hundredth time.

I resist the urge to scream and tell her not to worry, I have the day off, I can leave earlier if necessary, everything is cool, it's all good, RELAX! She's bringing the cooler and sleeping bags, tent, etc, so I have done as much as I can do. I ask if there was anything I can do to help and she says, "don't worry baby--it's all under control!"

The next day I take F to daycare, kiss him and hug him enough to last him all weekend, and go home and clean the house so I won't have to come home to a complete disaster. At 11:30 I call Kate. She's still packing.

I repeat. SHE IS STILL PACKING.

So, I walk over to her house and peek inside the van. It's empty. No tent, no cooler, no nothing.

I open the door to her house and yell, "Yo bitch! What the hell are you doing?"

She staggers down the stairs and explains that she wasn't feeling well last night, and didn't feel like packing, no energy, etc, but she'll be ready in about ten minutes. Uh huh.

Now, I've probably never mentioned this, but Kate has more clothes than God. Assuming that if there is a God, he/she wears clothes. Hmmmmm....ok, she has more clothes than Madonna. Anyways, for her, just going to 7-11 requires a fashion consultation. I'm not kidding. She'll come over to my house and parade around in 2 or 3 outfits, and once I've helped assure her that she looks fine, hot and totally cute, she'll try different combos of the outfits. Then she'll pull out the accessories. Holy fuck. At this point it is everything I can do not to kill her. Except she is hilarious when she does this and it's kind of fun, but don't tell her I admitted it. I have a curmudgeonly rep to maintain.

So, she showers and finally comes outside. I'm helping her load up the van, and she looks at my backpack and says, "is that all you're bringing?"

Then she goes inside again and about twenty minutes later she comes outside in a new outfit. In her arms is a mountain of clothes and a full backpack. She starts putting outfits together and asking what I think. It's 12:30 now.

I say calmly, "Kate, I thought we had to leave by noon or else."

She blushes, "yeah, I know, I was tired last night, yada yada yada..."

Ok, I don't want to continue in this vein, but suffice it to say, she changes 3 more times, re-applies her makeup twice, decides to unload the van and vacuum it out and reload it again and finally we hit the road at 1:00. There is no point in my getting upset over this, I tell myself, because we're on the way!

"Ummm, I just have to make a couple of stops before we hit the highway," she tells me.

My head is going to explode.

So, we get out of town at 2:00 pm. It takes 3 hours to get to the ferry, which is probably backed up because it's Friday. But again, I tell myself, do not waste your weekend getting upset on the road.

So we crank up the tunes and hit the open highway.

"Oh YEAH, babay!" she screams. "Cortes, here we come!"

It is nice of her to warn Cortes in advance, I think.

Apart from the fact that she is always late, Kate is an awesome person to travel with. She takes turns playing DJ. She lets me drive and doesn't freak out when I'm behind the wheel. She laughs at all my jokes and punctuates every hour on the road with, "We are going to have such a great time! Oh yeah, babay! This is the weekend of fun!"

Here is a sample of dialogue that occurs on the road:

Crazy Polish Kate: "I am going to hypnotize the men of Cortes this weekend."

Me: "Oh yeah? How do you aim to do that?"

Kate: "I will seduce them by hypnotizing them with my belly-dancing."

Me: (spit-take on the dash board, Coca-Cola up shooting out of my nose).

Kate: "I'm seeeeer--ee--osss!" (no one pronounces 'serious' like Kate)

Me: "Hmmmm, so when did you start belly-dancing?"

Kate: "Oh, I've dabbled in it for years, and when the men of Cortes see me dance, their sperm will shoot across the floor--I will raise penises like snakes from baskets!"

I can't argue with that. Kate thinks she's the best dancer in the world. Once she and our other neighbour Jen had a fight that almost came to blows over who was the better dancer--Kate or Usher. Jen was astonished that Kate would make such an outrageous claim, but Kate, determined to prove that she was more skilled, insisted on showing us some of her "moves." I think I probably lost five pounds from laughing so hard.

I'm not going to bother giving you a long drawn out description of our trip up there. So, briefly, lots of highway, lots of gas stations, lots of junk food, a great seaside meal, 5 outfit changes (all Kate's) and one long ferry wait, and finally we were on the second ferry to Cortes, drinking wine and watching a fantastic sunset.

We drove around the island for a bit and finally parked in a spot near an outdoor music festival--a real hippy scene--lots of drumming and didjeridoos , lots of barefoot kids with face paint, lots of pot wafting through the air, and yes, lots of patchouli.

But despite the patchouli, it was amazing. People were incredibly friendly and we had a group to sit with almost immediately. We partied into the wee hours and then crashed in the back of the van because we were too tired to set up a tent.

The next day we hung out at a little lake with a sandy beach. The water was incredibly warm. Kate somehow hypnotized me into getting into the kayak with her, and we paddled around an island and then spent the rest of the day sunning, eating, admiring the island and flirting with the local boys at the music fest.

My flirting paid off, and I met a really sweet cute guy who took Kate and me to an after-party at some local beach way in the middle of nowhere. People dragged their instruments down to the beach and jammed for hours--the music was incredible, I don't think I've ever heard anything like it, and I got a little garden tilling taken care of if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge.

So, I'm back. Sunburned, a little poorer, but so glad I went. Sun, sea, and lots of action for me--what's not to like?!