Stalked By a Mime!

I'll bet you're thinking I'm speaking metaphorically, right? I'm afraid not. I was stalked by a mime today. The weird part is that it's not the first time this has happened. Who gets stalked by a mime twice in their lifetime?!I do. I must have some kind of weird mime magnetism. I'm pretty sure it was the same mime who stalked me last time. The last time was years ago. He followed my friend and me around Granville Island for HOURS, moon-walking next to us, trying on "pretend hats" while we shopped. It was so fucking annoying.

But today was worse.I just so wasn't in the mood for a bloody mime today. Come to think of it, is there ever REALLY a good time for a mime? Clowns and mimes creep the shit out of me. Seriously, I am probably going to have mime-infested nightmares tonight.And it was raining. I was on my lunch break. I'm guessing when it rains business is slow for the mimes of this world, because before I knew it, he began following me. At first I thought it was just my imagination, because as I've stated before, mimes creep the shit out of me and I DO have a history of being stalked by them, so I realized it was possible that I was just being a little paranoid.

Turns out I wasn't being paranoid. He followed me as I sought a little retail therapy. He walked alongside me and began to imitate my walk. I gave him a terse smile, meant to convey, "good job, ha ha, move along now, mime," but it only seemed to encourage him.Then he followed me into the Gap.He sidled up to me as I picked up sweaters. I tried to pretend that he wasn't there, but I could see that other people noticed him too, because they all smiled at me uncomfortably--some with pity in their eyes, some with glee at my misfortune, and some just wondering what kind of freak willingly goes shopping with mimes.

To get away from him I grabbed some clothes and dashed for the change rooms. I figured I'd take my time, and he'd give up and go mime for someone else.WRONG. When I came out, he was waiting for me. He dropped to the ground, genuflecting (aside: I love the word genuflecting. It's so Catholic and sounds just filthy). I was mortified. He pretended to give me a bunch of flowers. "Ooooohkaaaay," I said to him slowly, "You've had your fun, clown. Go bug someone else now, please."

He pretended to be insulted that I called him a clown and threw his beret to the ground. But he kept up right behind me as I went to the till.

I was starting to get very annoyed."I mean it!" I hissed at him. "Piss off!" He mimed being shot through the heart with an arrow, and then pretended to pull the arrow out, and then he mimed crying. People were starting to laugh hysterically.

Once my purchase was complete I walked quickly out of the store. He was right on my tail, pretending to ski behind me. I broke into a run. He kept up. People on the street turned to watch us.

I just don't get it. What the fuck is up with the mime community these days? I mean, does anyone at all like mimes? Why would somebody purposely choose to pursue a profession where the whole world hates you? When this guy was filling out aptitude tests in highschool, did he get results telling him he'd make a great mime?! I did not see that box on the test!

Anyways, I had to sprint. In a dress and heels. And I lost the freaking mime eventually, but when I arrived at the office, I was sweaty and disheveled and in a bit of a panic, so the new guy at work said with great concern in his voice, "What's wrong with you?!" And I told him, "I was being chased by a fucking insane mime!!!!" Everyone in the office started howling at me, and for the rest of the day, whenever it got too quiet, someone would scream, "I'm being chased by a fucking insane mime!!!!!"

Who has a life like this?!! Why do things like this happen to me?!

Goddamn I hate mimes.